Nerve Deafness

The cross that I bear is called nerve deafness. I've carried it since birth and will carry until death. The amusing fact is that I didn't even know I was carrying it until I was 29.

I know all too well that others bear worse crosses than I. Thus, I am truly grateful that my cross is only what it is and I can call it by name.

I don't make it a habit to tell people that I have hearing issues. However, there are situations that require this information. For example, I would hate to think that one of my close co-workers would think that I was rude to them by not answering them or, I really, really wouldn't want them to think that I'm just plain stupid because I interrupted something that they said completely incorrect.

Sometimes, when I tell someone, they ask me questions about it. I like it when people ask me questions because I get to tell a story. And bless their hearts, they will get a couple of stories if I'm in a talkative mood.

The number one question that I'm asked is along the lines of how long have I had hearing issues. I respond casually and say, "all my life" and then chuckle and add, "but, I didn't know it until I was 29." If they look shocked, I figure that they are thinking how in the world could I have not known or how could no one else have not known. At this point in time, I chuckle and admit that I was good at just making up the stuff that I didn't hear. Most of the times, the questions stop here.

Occasionally someone, usually with kids, will state that they thought that the schools tested kid's hearing. I smile and tell them that I recall one year that a special group was brought into our school and tested the kids in the library. I vividly remember sitting at the end of the table in the middle row with broken head phones on my ears. Brian Owens (oh la la) was sitting in the next row directly in front of me. I figured that since he was raising his hands that his headphones worked so I copied everything that he did. I didn't want anyone to figure out that my headphones were broken. I was sure that I had somehow broken them and I didn't want to get into trouble over it.

The top second and third questions are along the lines of what is nerve deafness and can't something be done about it. Nerve Deafness for me means that I can't distinguish certain constant letter sounds from another. Therefore, I have to hear words in a sentence to literally figure out what words are spoken. There isn't a cure for it, but hearing aids help.

A common misconception is that hearing aids will fix hearing issues. Wrong, wrong, wrong, hearing aids help, they do, but they are not a fix all. When I am wearing my hearing aids, I don't have to concentrate to hear the items that I normally strain to hear and I mainly need to concentrate on the constants in the words that I can't distinguish. Thus it's easier to interpret the conversation. However, I sometimes hear things that I wouldn't normally hear. No, not people whispering so it isn't possible for me to ease drop without the person noticing me starring at their lips. The sounds are usually the sounds of running appliances or the sounds of nature. One time when I first got my first pair of hearing aids I heard Missy purring and the frig running at the same time and I thought that life just couldn't get any sweeter.

Once in a while there will be someone to ask me how I found out I had nerve deafness. Now, that's a funny story. The short version is that my husband threatened to divorce me if I didn't go for a hearing test and I wanted to prove him wrong and got a hearing test.

Here's the long version of the story. Hartford and I were beginning to fight over things that he said he said and the things that I knew he said. During these little fights, I often would tell him that he was mumbling worse everyday. He often mentioned the blasting television and often displayed his annoyance at always repeating himself. One day he made me so mad by saying that he was going to divorce me if I didn't get my hearing checked. Let me just tell you that made me so mad. Not the divorce part because I knew he didn't mean that, but the fact that he thought that I had an actual hearing problem. Well, I thought, I'll just show him and go get a stupid little hearing test and then he'll know that I was right and he was wrong.

When I went for the hearing test, I let everyone know that I was not there because I had a hearing problem but to prove that my husband was wrong. I even told this to the receptionist.

Amanda was my audiologist and she seemed nice. She listened very understandingly as I told her all about the things that my husband was saying to me and how clueless he was and how I was going to gloat in my victory. Then, she put me in a sound proof room and hooked me up. She told me to repeat the words that she said and then she left me alone. Then Miss Nice Amanda turned mean. She would say one word and one world only. Although, I could see her, she purposely covered her lips. The nerve of her to do such a cruel thing and after a few of these so called words that I needed to repeat, I just told her that I didn't appreciate her rudeness in covering her mouth and that there was no way I could repeat a single word to her unless she said it in a sentence. Bless her heart, she was a true professional and handled the situation well. Still, I had no clue that I had an actual hearing problem.

I didn't think the testing was ever going to end. When it was finally other, I could taste the sweet victory. Amanda tried to break the news to me gently, but I was just as heartbroken as I could have ever been that Hartford had won. He was right and I was wrong. Darn it, he had won. What an idiot I had been and now everyone thought so as well. I was crushed.

When I came home, I told Hartford and he did the happy dance because he was right and I was wrong. Then suddenly, it occurred to me that I couldn't hear and I started crying. He stopped dancing and held me in his arms and told me how sorry he was and how he really wished he hadn't been right.

For 29 years I did not hear properly and I had no problem with it what so ever. But as soon as I was told that I had hearing loss, I couldn't hear anything. Life was turned upside down. I couldn't figure out how in the world that I was ever going to live with such a terrible thing. The fact was totally funny to me, however, I couldn't stop this feeling. I believe if no one have ever told me that I had a problem, I wouldn't have ever figured it out.

It wasn't long before we got an equity line on the house so that I could get my first set of hearing aids. I had no idea that they were so expensive and that the insurance companies wouldn't pay for them. They were $5,000.

For $5,000, I figured that all my problems would be solved. In reality, a whole new set of problems came about. For example, the day I walked out of the doctor's office with my new hearing aids in my ears, I literally thought that I was being attacked by thousands of singing birds. I knew that some birds sung because I had some, but wow, I had never heard such racket made by birds in my whole entire life.

On my way to back to work, a semi-truck passed me on the highway. Let's just say, I thought I was going to die as I jerked out $2500 from each ear.

It wasn't much better when I got to work, people were shuffling paper and it sounded as loudly as gun shots. I called Amanda. Amanda, my new best friend and I saw a lot of one another during the adjustment period of my aids. Unfortunately, she was never able to adjust them so that all my problems were solved. One day, she finally broke the news that hearing aids were not a cure all. Why she didn't tell me that before I forked out $5,000 is way beyond me. But...I guess I would have forked it out with the grand hope that they would be worth it.

I really don't consider it so bad that I can't hear well. Because frankly, I've never been able to hear well. However, the Tinnitus that comes with the hearing loss may indeed drive me into complete and utter madness. Some years ago as we were traveling over the mountains in North Carolina my brain decides I should be hearing sounds that I wasn't hearing. Therefore, it decided, without consulting the rest of me, that it will just make up sounds. Thus, since that moment I have been hearing ringing 24-7. I sometimes wish that I had Tinnitus all my life so I would naturally be accustomed to it.

I am well aware that I am not alone and that others have it much worse than I do. This does not comfort me and I suspect that it never will. Although I am glad that it isn't any worse than it is, at times I don't think that it could get any worse. However, the truth is that it will it never go away, and it will only get worse. There is absolutely NO hope. At least with hearing aids, there is a little improvement with hearing but there is nothing other than false hope with Tinnitus.

The very worse pain that comes with hearing loss is the pain in my heart. It causes me to feel stupid and alone. Moreover, my heart breaks from the annoyance that I cause Emily and Hartford. Sometimes I can't understand them and I ask them questions or ask them to repeat themselves. They become obviously annoyed and they say it in their tone or worse their silence. My heart just bleeds as if it has been ripped from my chest. More times than not, I pretend to understand to avoid their annoyance which in turn hardens my heart.

But it is what it is and I accept it for no other reason than it is what it is. And I have praised the Lord over and over and will continue to praise the Lord that Emily hears and hears well. There has been a number of specialist to confirm that she is completely free of nerve deafness. God is awesome.

61 Things I love / 61 Things I hate

In celebration of my 61st blog I give you my love/hate list.

In no particular order:

I love:

1-Dolls
2-Scrap booking
3-Daisies
4-Being a parent
5-Pickles
6-Mom's Christmas jello with topping
7-Cats
8-Pizza
9-Blogging
10-Purple gel pens
11-Hartford's French toast
12-eBay
13-Black and White photos
14-Goody Powder
15-Fresh picked blackberries
16-Blackberry dumplings
17-Mill gravy, fried taters, and corn bread
18-Finding clothing with adjustable waist for Emily
19-For Better or Worse comic strip
20-Supper on the table
21-Grayson branch of the Gwinnett County Library
22-Consignment sales
23-Yard sales
24-Pay Pal
25-Clearance Sales
26-Southern Living at Home merchandise
27-Living so close to everything
28-Plays
29-Classic Disney characters
30-Fenton glass
31-Making others laugh
32-The Tom-Tom
33-Looking at beautiful pictures that are simple and profound
34-Silence
35-Christmas Eve candle light service
36-Sleeping through the night
37-My fake two front teeth that are smaller than the originals
38-20/20 vision (thanks to Lasik)
39-The Walton's
40-Familiar church songs
41-Coke in a glass bottle
42-XM Radio
43-Praise
44-Good customer service
45-Computers that work
46-Home & Garden network
47-Home grown cucumbers
48-Taking pictures
49-School/office supplies
50-Being the 1st into the office
51-My thick Snowman dish towels that I use all year round
52-Aunt Sue's chocolate eclair
53-Hartford's homemade breakfast on the weekends
54-Hearing Missy cat's purring
55-Socks
56-Unique looking trees
57-Napping on the beach
58-My Sonic Toothbrush
59-Roller coasters
60-Handmade items that are well made
61-Smiles

I hate:

1-Seedless grapes with seeds
2-Exercise
3-Hating that I hate exercise
4-Nerve deafness
5-Packing
6-Cancer
7-Swimming
8-Hating that I hate swimming
9-Worrying
10-Whining
11-Calories
12-Freezing
13-Trivia
14-Cooking
15-The taste of Goody powder
16-Cussing
17-Skinny people telling me about their need of weight lose
18-Being treated like a peon
19-Scrabbled eggs that are ready just fried eggs that have been chopped up and not really scrabbled at all
20-Lemon in my water (if I wanted lemonade, that's what I would have ordered)
21-Sponge Bob
22-Cartoon Network
23-Having Yard sales
24-Singers in the office that can't sing
25-Wearing sandals
26-Hating that I can't comfortably wear cute shoes including sandals
27-The price of Southern Living at Home merchandise
28-Being made fun of because of my accent
29-Lack of funds
30-Depression
31-Low self-esteem
32-Regret
33-Traffic
34-Crowds
35-Gas prices
36-Decisions
37-Scams
38-Junk e-mails
39-Getting older
40-Elevators
41-Fat Man Squeeze at Rock City
42-Small Talk
43-Finishing a job that was started by someone else
44-Scent of cigar smoke
45-Most magazines
46-Know-it-alls
47-Bad hair cuts
48-Criticism, especially the constant kind
49-Songs by Willie Nelson
50-Negative people
51-Disrespect
52-Bad customer service
53-Visits to doctors & dentists
54-Washing dishes
55-Working late
56-Forgetting passwords
57-Litter in public areas
58-Running late
59-Sun burns
60-Cooked cabbage
61-The smell of skunk

For the Love of Books

From the very beginning, I have read to Emily with the hopes that she would be a book lover. There has been times in the past that we have given her a choice between read a book or watch television and she has excitedly exclaimed, "read a book!" One day when she was four, I asked her if she could go anyplace where would she go? She quickly replied, "the library." There was a time that I had to limit the book reading to three books at bed time. Then when she was in Pre-K, I had to break the news to her that she wouldn't always get three books at bed time because some books were longer than others and if the book was a chapter book it may take more nights than one to finish it.

Sunday, Hartford was in his chair reading and Emily was on the couch reading.
Since books are expensive and are extremely hard to store, I use the library a lot. I can easily reserve books on-line. Which is awesome since Emily frequently has requests and the county has a number of libraries. We get e-mails to let us know that our items are being held at the requested branch. Here's a picture of the loot that I got at the library yesterday. 41 items to be correct. The bottom three are Christmas decorating books that I checked out for myself. I tell you, I'm in the mood to decorate for Christmas. In addition, I got Emily a Magic School Bus DVD. She tells me that this series teaches her things and her brain isn't turning into mush when she watches them. I also got 3 Cd's for Emily who has finally discovered there is more songs than Country Road and Father Abraham. She is definitely growing up in many ways.
At the end of Kindergarten, Emily was reading on a 1st grade level. However, she acted as if she was in agonizing pain if I tried to get her to read to me. She just wanted me to do all the reading. Her attitude had to be changed. Since she is turning a deaf ear on my sermons, I had to put some thought into the situation, thus the reading chain. Every time that she reads a book, she gets a link in the chain and I explained to her that I would continue to read to her and even re-read the same book that she just read if she wanted me to. This chain is a success. When I suggested it, she immediately stated that her goal was to get it long enough to reach from one wall to the other wall in her room. Emily has gained the enjoyment and the confidence through this project. I wished that I had thought of it sooner, but better late than never.
Speaking of chains, one of the Christmas projects that I want to do is a ribbon chain. Surely goodness if Martha Stewart can do, I can too. Don't answer that, I'm going to give it a try anyway.

Christmas in July

Last week I saw the new book for Southern Living at Home. Oh golly day, I should have resisted it because, I knew very well what those catalogues do to me. Now, I'm in the Christmas decorating mode and it over 100 degrees outside, ugh. Well, I decided it wasn't too early to start letting Emily do Christmas crafts. Here is a picture of her sparkly Christmas tree with an Angel on top. The Yellow pom pom on the very top is its halo. Here is a picture of Emily making snowflakes. I got the idea that these would make lovely Christmas gifts for the children in her class. It's an on going project. Is that a hot glue gun?? No, it's a low heat glue gun. I didn't even know they existed until a lady at work told me about them. She had a lot of fun with it. And I didn't even have to supervise. Now that is what I call an awesome invention.
And if the bunny wasn't gorgeous enough, she added more decorations.
Tonight she has plans for us to finish the Circut project that we started yesterday. I love my Circut, but it will be several years before she can use it on her own. Shoot it's hard to think of what will be invented by that time.

Playing

Here's Emily being silly Friday night.Here's Emily playing with just a few of our Barbie Dolls and accessories on Sunday. We went junkin' on Saturday morning and she found a swan carriage for $0.50. Oh what fun! She tied a Strawberry Shortcake horse to the front of the carriage and Barbie and Ken went to the ball. Afterwards, they gave all their pets a bath in the Victorian house. Out of the two containers of dolls, there was only one boy doll that she would even consider playing with. I might as well just ship all the other boys dolls to another state because they don't have blond hair and blue eyes and wear fancy clothes. There were a few dolls that she dressed in mermaid outfits. They were maids. They had magic fins and the fins cleaned as the dolls spun. Saturday morning, she had to do all her chores before she was allowed to play. I suppose this is why she made some of her dolls clean.Yes, she is sticking our her tongue. I think that I must be driving her insane will all my picture taking.

Promises

Currently, I am on the top of Emily's favorite people list. Oh, how I am enjoying it. But alas, I know that my glory will not last. I have promised myself when that time comes, that I will not cry but laugh to myself as I tell myself, "I told you so." I know her rejection of me will be a natural reaction to growing up and a part of the process of stretching her wings to fly.

Also, I have promised myself comfort when she is becomes impossible by remembering that what comes around, goes around.

And lastly, I have promised myself that I will not be jealous, but relish the sight of her soaring to great heights.

The Night the Lights Went out in Georgia

The rain suddenly starts beating down. I go and open the sliding glass door and without a whisper from my mouth, Missy cat darts into the house and runs upstairs to safety. I quickly close and lock the door. I sit down beside Emily at the dinning room table and the boom of thunder shakes the house and we witness the sudden brightness from the lightening. Before the outside became dark again, the lights went out without even a flicker.

I don't panic, I see this moment as a moment to become the great hero that I dream of becoming. I quickly get these candles lit and I stand tall with pride.

Then the true hero of our home, walks in with a lantern.
I don't stand quite as tall, but I can't help but to laugh at Hartford smiling ear to ear because he knows that he won yet another "seize the moment" moment.

Since Emily and I were doing crafts before the lights went out and Hartford found an excellent source of light, we continued. I cut and punched out the heart shapes with Creative Memories tools. Emily put them together and decorated the items.

Here is a picture of Emily working on the kissing fish. Since they ended up not actually being turned the correct way in order to kiss one another, she calls them cruising fish.

Here she is working on the bunny. Please note that this bunny turned out to be one fancy mancy fashion queen bunny.
Here are the four cruising fish. Yes, they are wearing lip stick.
Here is the stylish bunny.


I love how Emily can take something simple and make it her own. She has a talent for creating beauty.

4th of July Weekend

Laurel Mountain Lake Tennessee:

Day 1:
Here's my princess soaking up the hot sun rays as she hunts for shells. The shells came in three sizes, itty bitty, itty bitter, and itty bittest. I love the way she is wearing her swimming cap side ways.

Last weekend or so, we went to Bass Pro Shop to buy her a life jacket. She zoned into the only pink one that they had which of course has "Barbie" written on it. She was brave on the water slide.

The slide didn't exactly slide well and she ended up scouting down. Notice that she is holding her nose. Well, she does this but as soon as she hits the water, then she lets go and swims. It just cracks me up. By the way, she didn't like the this activity so this was the one and only time that she did this. She was content to stay in the roped area that didn't go over her head. This suited me fine. I don't like to worry more than I absolutely have to worry.Emily met Mary who is the daughter of one of the Barker's clam who used to play with Hartford and his sisters when they were kids.
Emily enjoy playing in the sand almost as much as she enjoyed the water.
Emily is slowing down on picking flowers. She only picked this one. She picked it without the stem which made it impossible to keep behind her ear.Much to my delight, Emily spotted a berry bush and she gave me all of the berries that she picked .The other day, I was playing around with my camera and discovered that it has a firework setting. I enjoyed taking a bunch of pictures of the fireworks. The show wasn't too bad at all for a bunch of drunk amateurs. However, there was a time that I feared for our lives and we were soon in safe distant. Emily stated the next day that those people had lost their brains. I couldn't have agreed more.

One night in the hotel room Emily and I looked at the many firework pictures on the digital camera. We told each other what we saw. We saw a lot of fairies, worms, and jellyfish. This was so much fun and we giggled as the fairies chanced the worms, etc.

Day 2:
This picture doesn't do the mess justice. Trash and rubbish was all over the area, including the swimming area. People were picking it up a little at a time. It was time to go fishing (A.K.A. let's wait and let the water warm up a little before swimming).
Here is Emily with the fishing bait. She actually touches worms and thinks nothing of it. Ewe, I can't even image.
While we were at Bass Pro Shop searching for a life jacket, Emily tried to convince Hartford that her fishing pole was broke and needed to buy a Barbie fishing pole. Hartford didn't fall for it.Since the fish were no where to be seen, it was off to the swimming area. Although the you can't tell in the picture, she has decorated the small sand person sculpture.
Playing in the water and sand wore Emily out. She needed a break to fill up with snacks.
Day 3

The journey home -
Rock City
Upon entering the attraction, Humpty Dumpty was just sitting around waiting to fall. Emily wasn't thrilled to take this picture, but she was a good sport
As we walked toward the top we saw some beautiful sights, here are a few of them.



Here are some sights that we saw on the top. A statue of an Eagle.
The Rock City corn maze.
A map of the 7 states that can be seen.
Boy oh, it was hot. The only thing that a person could do was get ice cream.
Emily really didn't want to share but she figured that it was be wise to do so.
Instead of heading down right away, we went exploring and found a few items that we didn't see the last time that we were there.
We got the opportunity to see this owl up close. I loved it.
There were painted boards all over the place. Too many in my opinion and since I heard a number of groans, I wasn't the only parent that they annoyed.
Dad getting into the action as well.
On the way down, I took more pictures.


I hate this part. It's called the fat man squeeze. I actually made it though this time without any problems. Hartford made sure this time that we let the party in front of us get a good head start. Last time, the people in front of us came to a hault and the people behind us was crowed behind us. I couldn't see light and I couldn't feel air. I began to panic.
At the end of the attraction there is a part called Fantasy Land. It has a bunch of gnomes and nursery rhyme scenes. It was cute, but near impossible to take pictures of and it was awful hot in there.

Afterwards, we had a picnic in the back of the truck.

When we returned home, the house had not cleaned itself nor did Missy cat clean it. Thus, the reason that this post is so late.