Nerve Deafness

The cross that I bear is called nerve deafness. I've carried it since birth and will carry until death. The amusing fact is that I didn't even know I was carrying it until I was 29.

I know all too well that others bear worse crosses than I. Thus, I am truly grateful that my cross is only what it is and I can call it by name.

I don't make it a habit to tell people that I have hearing issues. However, there are situations that require this information. For example, I would hate to think that one of my close co-workers would think that I was rude to them by not answering them or, I really, really wouldn't want them to think that I'm just plain stupid because I interrupted something that they said completely incorrect.

Sometimes, when I tell someone, they ask me questions about it. I like it when people ask me questions because I get to tell a story. And bless their hearts, they will get a couple of stories if I'm in a talkative mood.

The number one question that I'm asked is along the lines of how long have I had hearing issues. I respond casually and say, "all my life" and then chuckle and add, "but, I didn't know it until I was 29." If they look shocked, I figure that they are thinking how in the world could I have not known or how could no one else have not known. At this point in time, I chuckle and admit that I was good at just making up the stuff that I didn't hear. Most of the times, the questions stop here.

Occasionally someone, usually with kids, will state that they thought that the schools tested kid's hearing. I smile and tell them that I recall one year that a special group was brought into our school and tested the kids in the library. I vividly remember sitting at the end of the table in the middle row with broken head phones on my ears. Brian Owens (oh la la) was sitting in the next row directly in front of me. I figured that since he was raising his hands that his headphones worked so I copied everything that he did. I didn't want anyone to figure out that my headphones were broken. I was sure that I had somehow broken them and I didn't want to get into trouble over it.

The top second and third questions are along the lines of what is nerve deafness and can't something be done about it. Nerve Deafness for me means that I can't distinguish certain constant letter sounds from another. Therefore, I have to hear words in a sentence to literally figure out what words are spoken. There isn't a cure for it, but hearing aids help.

A common misconception is that hearing aids will fix hearing issues. Wrong, wrong, wrong, hearing aids help, they do, but they are not a fix all. When I am wearing my hearing aids, I don't have to concentrate to hear the items that I normally strain to hear and I mainly need to concentrate on the constants in the words that I can't distinguish. Thus it's easier to interpret the conversation. However, I sometimes hear things that I wouldn't normally hear. No, not people whispering so it isn't possible for me to ease drop without the person noticing me starring at their lips. The sounds are usually the sounds of running appliances or the sounds of nature. One time when I first got my first pair of hearing aids I heard Missy purring and the frig running at the same time and I thought that life just couldn't get any sweeter.

Once in a while there will be someone to ask me how I found out I had nerve deafness. Now, that's a funny story. The short version is that my husband threatened to divorce me if I didn't go for a hearing test and I wanted to prove him wrong and got a hearing test.

Here's the long version of the story. Hartford and I were beginning to fight over things that he said he said and the things that I knew he said. During these little fights, I often would tell him that he was mumbling worse everyday. He often mentioned the blasting television and often displayed his annoyance at always repeating himself. One day he made me so mad by saying that he was going to divorce me if I didn't get my hearing checked. Let me just tell you that made me so mad. Not the divorce part because I knew he didn't mean that, but the fact that he thought that I had an actual hearing problem. Well, I thought, I'll just show him and go get a stupid little hearing test and then he'll know that I was right and he was wrong.

When I went for the hearing test, I let everyone know that I was not there because I had a hearing problem but to prove that my husband was wrong. I even told this to the receptionist.

Amanda was my audiologist and she seemed nice. She listened very understandingly as I told her all about the things that my husband was saying to me and how clueless he was and how I was going to gloat in my victory. Then, she put me in a sound proof room and hooked me up. She told me to repeat the words that she said and then she left me alone. Then Miss Nice Amanda turned mean. She would say one word and one world only. Although, I could see her, she purposely covered her lips. The nerve of her to do such a cruel thing and after a few of these so called words that I needed to repeat, I just told her that I didn't appreciate her rudeness in covering her mouth and that there was no way I could repeat a single word to her unless she said it in a sentence. Bless her heart, she was a true professional and handled the situation well. Still, I had no clue that I had an actual hearing problem.

I didn't think the testing was ever going to end. When it was finally other, I could taste the sweet victory. Amanda tried to break the news to me gently, but I was just as heartbroken as I could have ever been that Hartford had won. He was right and I was wrong. Darn it, he had won. What an idiot I had been and now everyone thought so as well. I was crushed.

When I came home, I told Hartford and he did the happy dance because he was right and I was wrong. Then suddenly, it occurred to me that I couldn't hear and I started crying. He stopped dancing and held me in his arms and told me how sorry he was and how he really wished he hadn't been right.

For 29 years I did not hear properly and I had no problem with it what so ever. But as soon as I was told that I had hearing loss, I couldn't hear anything. Life was turned upside down. I couldn't figure out how in the world that I was ever going to live with such a terrible thing. The fact was totally funny to me, however, I couldn't stop this feeling. I believe if no one have ever told me that I had a problem, I wouldn't have ever figured it out.

It wasn't long before we got an equity line on the house so that I could get my first set of hearing aids. I had no idea that they were so expensive and that the insurance companies wouldn't pay for them. They were $5,000.

For $5,000, I figured that all my problems would be solved. In reality, a whole new set of problems came about. For example, the day I walked out of the doctor's office with my new hearing aids in my ears, I literally thought that I was being attacked by thousands of singing birds. I knew that some birds sung because I had some, but wow, I had never heard such racket made by birds in my whole entire life.

On my way to back to work, a semi-truck passed me on the highway. Let's just say, I thought I was going to die as I jerked out $2500 from each ear.

It wasn't much better when I got to work, people were shuffling paper and it sounded as loudly as gun shots. I called Amanda. Amanda, my new best friend and I saw a lot of one another during the adjustment period of my aids. Unfortunately, she was never able to adjust them so that all my problems were solved. One day, she finally broke the news that hearing aids were not a cure all. Why she didn't tell me that before I forked out $5,000 is way beyond me. But...I guess I would have forked it out with the grand hope that they would be worth it.

I really don't consider it so bad that I can't hear well. Because frankly, I've never been able to hear well. However, the Tinnitus that comes with the hearing loss may indeed drive me into complete and utter madness. Some years ago as we were traveling over the mountains in North Carolina my brain decides I should be hearing sounds that I wasn't hearing. Therefore, it decided, without consulting the rest of me, that it will just make up sounds. Thus, since that moment I have been hearing ringing 24-7. I sometimes wish that I had Tinnitus all my life so I would naturally be accustomed to it.

I am well aware that I am not alone and that others have it much worse than I do. This does not comfort me and I suspect that it never will. Although I am glad that it isn't any worse than it is, at times I don't think that it could get any worse. However, the truth is that it will it never go away, and it will only get worse. There is absolutely NO hope. At least with hearing aids, there is a little improvement with hearing but there is nothing other than false hope with Tinnitus.

The very worse pain that comes with hearing loss is the pain in my heart. It causes me to feel stupid and alone. Moreover, my heart breaks from the annoyance that I cause Emily and Hartford. Sometimes I can't understand them and I ask them questions or ask them to repeat themselves. They become obviously annoyed and they say it in their tone or worse their silence. My heart just bleeds as if it has been ripped from my chest. More times than not, I pretend to understand to avoid their annoyance which in turn hardens my heart.

But it is what it is and I accept it for no other reason than it is what it is. And I have praised the Lord over and over and will continue to praise the Lord that Emily hears and hears well. There has been a number of specialist to confirm that she is completely free of nerve deafness. God is awesome.